Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now That
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

By Wil C. Fry, May 2, 2000, 21:15:06 (Tuesday)

Copyright © 2000 by Wil C. Fry. All rights reserved.

We all have our desires — Iíve had a few, maybe a million
I want that woman, I want her body, I want her soul
I want that car, I want to drive it, I want to show it off
I want that house, to live in it, to bring my friends over
Most of our lives, weíre reaching
Some more successfully than others
I got that job, I got that girl, I got a raise
I won the lottery, I bought a brand new car
But does it satisfy?
Does it cleanse the soul and does it make you happy
Make the switch from loneliness without her
To being trapped with her
Change from not making enough money at one job
To putting up with too much crap at another
To the third job, where you donít make enough money or get treated right
Shift from walking every day without the car
To spending too much money and time trying to keep your car running
And youíre still unsatisfied
Still looking for something else
You have no friends and you wish you did
Then you get friends and they treat you like s**t
You bought that record because you loved that song so much
And now the record sits on your shelf, taking up space
Mocking you because you spent so much on something so worthless
Sure, youíve got the status
My girlfriend this, and my girlfriend that
And yes, actually I do live in the nicest neighborhood in town
Take a ride in my car — ainít it a beaut?
I know my stereo can kick your stereoís ass
And my bookís on the bestseller list
I wrote it in only one week
Saying these things to make yourself feel better, and not quite so empty
Saying these things so others will know that
But itís not so, and you lie awake at night
And you lie to your own heart
Saying, by golly, I did it, here I am now
Much better off than I was this time last year
And either way you go, it sucks
I was looking for a job — and I was miserable
Then I found a job — now Iím miserable
I was looking for a girlfriend — and I was depressed.
Then I found a girlfriend — now Iím depressed
I am still looking — even when Iím not thinking about it —
Still looking for what Iím looking for
Whatever it is. Wherever it is.
However long it takes me to find it. If it can be found
Is it worth looking for? Is it worth finding?
And when I find it, will I want to keep it?
It had better be worth it
After all the trouble Iíve gone through in this searching
It had better be just the grandest, happiest thing in the whole damn world —
ĎCause if itís not
I just might cry

With apologies to The Smiths — ďHeaven Knows Iím Miserable NowĒ — and U2 — ďI Still Havenít Found What Iím Looking ForĒ.

Note: This poem originally had a different — and confusing — line-break scheme. For web-viewing, I've reorganized the line breaks for readability. Also, this is one of my longest poems, at 490 words.

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