Chuck The Nut vs. Bruce The Atheist

It’s been a while since I posted an installment of “Silly Meme Saturday”, mostly because I quit following people on social media who did nothing but post silly memes. But internet image files with pointless text typed on them are ubiquitous. It was certain that I would run across one eventually worth my effort.

Chuck vs. Bruce
This is the meme in question today

Today’s meme was posted by an atheist Facebook acquaintance.

Chuck Norris: “If I were elected president, I would tattoo an American flag with the words ‘in God we trust’ on the forehead of every atheist.”

Bruce Lee: “Bitch, please.”

The points I got from this: (1) Chuck Norris is a wannabe Christian theocrat who proposes torture, and (2) Bruce Lee won’t let Chuck do it. Or something like that.

My first question, upon seeing this, was: is Chuck Norris really a religious nutjob? I suppose I haven’t been paying attention to all the religious nutjobs in the country. The last time I heard of Chuck Norris on the internet was back when “Chuck Norris Facts” were making the rounds. Remember those?

* Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
* Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
* Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

I was quickly surprised to learn that Chuck’s real name is “Carlos”. And of course, I already knew he was born in Oklahoma, later competed in recreational martial arts, and starred in a series of low-budget Rambo ripoffs. And yes, it turns out, he’s done quite the tour of the religious right’s ideas.

My second question is: Did he really say this?

I found the quote from the meme in a column (trigger warning: ultra-conservatism) that Norris wrote for “Worldnetdaily” in 2007, called “If I Am Elected President”. The entire column is a list of italicized campaign promises. The eighth promise is the line from the meme.

Okay, so now I wondered about Bruce Lee. I’d always assumed he was a Buddhist or something like that. It turns out, he was raised Catholic and Buddhist, but became an atheist as an adult. When asked in an interview if he believed in God, he said, “To be perfectly frank, I really do not.”

Which makes Chuck Norris’ column on that weird website even stranger. Because his third campaign promise was to: “Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).”

Norris clearly has respect for Lee (who died in 1973, when I was exactly 10 months old), enough to include him in the list of (I assume) tongue-in-cheek campaign promises. But then why the animosity toward atheists?

Some of the other promises are pretty out-there too: “Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for ‘martial arts negotiations’.” And: “Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice.” (Seriously!)

But back to the meme. I assume the meme-maker was convinced Bruce Lee would win in a fight between the two men. Of course, we’ll never know, because Lee is dead and Carlos is something like 77 years old. To my knowledge (I’m not really an aficionado), the only time they fought each other was in Way Of The Dragon (1972) in this scene, with a tiny kitten observing. Naturally, the primary loser of this fight was Chuck’s chest hair.

In real life, we might never know whether the 5’10”, 180-pound Chuck Norris could defeat the nimbler 5’7″, 135-pound Lee, but we do know that Carlos thinks it’s funny to make asshole fake campaign slogans. And that’s enough for me to declare him the loser of this meme.

  1. I can’t believe you actually included the link to WorldNetDaily, but I suppose you were using it to verify the source of the quote. Yes, Carlos Norris has gone off the deep end in the past decade or two (I’m unsure of whether he was ever in the pool to begin with). His columns online — I googled a few — are ridiculous regurgitations of Fox News talking points, posed in simple prose for his simple readers. None of his points are backed by critical thought, because his fans lack the capacity for it.

    I found another column of his declaring that “atheism” has nearly defeated Christianity in this country; he was espousing a type of spiritual guerrilla warfare to regain control. What an utter idiot. I want to believe in reincarnation just so I can see Bruce Lee punch a hole through Carlos’ face.

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