Guest Author: ‘How Trumpians Convinced Me’

(This is, to my knowledge, my first entry by a guest author. The original post is here on Facebook, and is reproduced with permission from the author, Anderson Connors.)


Trumpalicious

Okay, Trumpets, you’ve changed my mind. I now support our president. #MAGA! Here’s how that happened.

I was just minding my own business, writing trollish liberal comments on conservative news sites like I always do in order to get more of that sweet George Soros money, when some very smart Trump supporters began countering me with logic, reason, and pride in our great country. Here are some examples.

First, it was a story about the confederate monuments, neo-Nazis, and other white supremacy related nonsense, and I wrote something like: “I just don’t see why we need to celebrate the exploits of these racist traitors.” I think I added in something about how statues aren’t the best way to learn or record history, that we should read more books, take more university classes, etc.

An erudite Trumpanzee quickly corrected me with this nugget of wisdom: “Get over it, you LOOSER! If you don’t like our history, you can just LEAVE!!” Of course, that should have been quite convincing, but I’m stubborn. I replied with a mean-spirited “Thank you for that Christian love”, and went about my day.

Second, there was a story about Trump’s 2020 campaign rally in Phoenix. I didn’t watch it because George Soros was paying me to leave the TV off yesterday, but I did see some clips later, and several stories about it. I commented, based on my ill-gotten personal principles: “Why can’t his supporters see that he’s completely insane? At least 80% of what he says are meaningless half-statements, interrupted by other meaningless half-statements — I mean, he only completes his sentences about one-fifth of the time. And of those completed sentences, half of them are untrue and the other half directly contradict the first half.”

Ever the paragon of intellectualism, a person with a rebel flag as his avatar replied helpfully: “LIAR!!! I hope you burn in Hell for not supposing our presnet!!” Another corrected my math, insisting that I was wrong because “half” is more than “one-fifth”. Can’t argue with that. Still another virtuous Christian suggested that I should engage in an impossible (and possibly illegal) sex act with myself.

Again, I should have been convinced right then. So much logic, so much love, so much *winning* are simply not strong enough words to describe these precious patriotic heroes who took time away from their patriotic jobs of noticing brown people and calling police. But I’ve been indoctrinated so strongly by reading history, going to college, and working for a living that their helpful words didn’t quite sink in yet.

Finally, there was a story about Black Lives Matter. I know, I know: touchy subject. It’s long been controversial in this country whether a black person counts as much as a white person, and we still haven’t come together on this. Why should we? Our Constitution says they don’t matter. Our history says they don’t matter. A bunch of our cops say they don’t matter. Our schools are on the fence about it. Only small, isolated groups scattered through our country loudly proclaim that “black lives matter”. I’m one of them. (This isn’t actually due to Soros money, though he paid for that too. I actually do think that everyone should have equal opportunities and equal treatment under the law.) So I commented along those lines.

And here’s what finally convinced me to support Donald J. Trump as supreme ruler of Trumpatonia (we really should change the name to that, right?) Trumpholes began bashing my comment as “racist”, “unAmerican”, “flag-hating”, and worse. One Trumplet said with open arms: “What about Detroit? What about Chicago? You know Democrats started the KKK right? Lincoln was a Republican.” While I failed to follow his well-laid out argument, I responded with “Big thinker, aren’t you?” He shot back within seconds: “I bet you want to erase our history too, ni**er-lover!” He didn’t have an asterisk button on his device (I assume), so he used the letter G twice instead of two asterisks. Someone else added, showing they’d done their research: “You Soros-paid trolls are the worse, always fake profile.” Interestingly, that person’s profile had zero information on it, and the username sounded Russian to me.

But it was enough.

I realized that being paid by Soros just isn’t enough for me any more. Membership in underground pizza clubs weighs heavy on my conscience.

I suddenly realized that there was actually zero racism in our country until Obama took office and divided us all. Every single person who is racist today was just fine until Obama made them a racist. I realized too (because helpful Trumpalians kept pointing it out) that “Hillary lost the popular vote once you subtract the 10 million illegals”, and it had nothing to do with sexism. I realized that, as another highly educated Trumpzen told me: “Trump tells the truth! It’s only the #FakeNews #CNN #ImpeachHillary that fills your heart with lies!”

Just like the huge weight of evidence for God’s existence had been piling up in scientific journals while I stubbornly ignored it, I had also been ignoring all the evidence that Donald J. Trump is actually our best president ever — better than Lincoln, better than Teddy Roosevelt, better even than Franklin Roosevelt or Lyndon B. Johnson. All this time, it had only been #FakeNews (CNN running live, unedited speeches of Trump) that made me think he couldn’t complete a sentence and regularly contradicted himself. All this time it was the juicy checks from George Soros that clouded my thinking about Trump. All this time, I had simply been hiding from the truth.

But thanks to so many reasoned and loving comments from Christrumpians — so filled with logic, so filled with facts, so filled with copy/paste talking points from InbredWars and Britefart, so filled with absolute genetic perfection — thanks to their self-sacrifice, I am now #WithHim.

So I’m on board, fellow Trumpishians. What’s next? Do I get a badge, or at least a pocket copy of the “real” Constitution? (Because we know the one on Wikipedia is just a liberal lie.) How soon before I can start dumping industrial waste into rivers? Do I need to memorize Bible verses first? Also, I was thinking of running for local office, because the Republicans here are all RINOs, just like all the ones in Congress — they’re not conservative enough; some of them actually want solar power instead of burning more coal. #AllHailCoal. Is it okay to put the rebel flag on my campaign posters, or should I use it only on Facebook? How many times should I say “It’s just my heritage” in the same speech defending the glorious Confederacy? What’s the plan? Help me out. Remember, I’ve never supported a God-sent hero/genius/hero supermodel like Trump before, so I’m going to need some careful instructions. Hopefully, I can litter now; I’m so tired of libtards forcing me to recycle and be politically correct.

Hugs and Kisses,

Newest Trumpianity convert

4 Comments
  1. Thanks for publishing my sarcastic rant. I was a little flattered that you did; I meant it only as a vent for pure frustration when I tapped it out on Facebook. After trying to watch the video of his “rally” in Arizona, I nearly threw up. I had nightmares — during the day. This guy is a wreck, plain and simple, and very likely a mentally ill (if not outright challenged) wreck of a man — not that the wreck part is related to the mentally ill part; I think they’re two separate things. He also appears to be unable to tell the difference between good and bad behavior, truth and fiction, helpful and hurtful. He’s so deluded at this point that I *could* probably be convinced that he *thinks* he’s doing the right thing. The part that makes me sick is how many people still don’t see it — his approval ratings are still in the 35% range, which is ludicrous.

    • Wil C. Fry says:

      Hey, thanks for writing it. I’ve taken such a serious tack the last few years on this blog that it’s sometimes difficult to pull out the satire pen… (I think I did *okay* on my “persecution is over” entry a few weeks ago, but I see several flaws in it.) Thanks again.

      Also, it made me laugh, which is a rare thing these days.

  2. Dana says:

    Thank you, Anderson Connors for your rant; it made my day (a similar rant runs through my head most days making the actual business of living and working rather difficult.

    Thank you, Wil for sharing it here, as I’m not on Facebook and would have never seen this gem.

    • Wil C. Fry says:

      You’re welcome! LOL. When I saw it on Facebook, I initially just commented my approval. But a little later I realized a few more people deserved to see this. :-)

      (I love how he listed *almost* every argument that I’ve seen Trump-supporters — and Trump himself — use online. I think he forgot a couple, like: “he’s getting so much accomplished” and “draining the swamp”, but the overall effect was hilarious.)

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