Thankfully, The Persecution Is Over

President + Bible = ?
A photo of a reality TV star holding a book.

If you don’t regularly hang around with evangelical Christians or fundamentalists, you might be unaware that they were regularly “persecuted” in the U.S. — so much so that they called it a War On Christianity. To ensure they continued to be aware of it, a variety of Christian-themed conspiracy theory websites keep reminding them.

But surely they know it’s over, now that they’ve got the “atheist Kenyan Muslim” out of office, and supplanted him with the “two Corinthians” reading, pussy-grabbing Christian family man* in office.

(* I suppose we could call him as a “superfamily man”, due to multiple affairs and children via multiple mothers. That’s a step above normal “family man”, right?)

Supertrump went out of his way to reassure his parishioners yesterday, tweeting and instagramming God-laden phrases and links to videos of him saying the same thing at an Ohio campaign rally. (It is now normal to campaign for an election that’s still more than three years away, even though you’ve only been in office six months.)

I assume Christian fundamentalists were overjoyed when the Tangerine Toddler shouted (all caps) this strawman yesterday, fighting back against the rise of government-worshippers (who don’t exist). His announcement linked to a video clip from a recent campaign rally in Ohio, in which he assured fellow faithers that faith in God is foundational to our society.

In case his astute followers misunderstood and thought they were in church, he added the helpful hashtag “#USA” to the Instagram post. Or maybe “#USA” is the name of his church; I can’t keep it straight in my head.

The same words were used in Pastor Donny’s sermon at Liberty University (“the world’s largest Christian university”) a couple of months earlier, when he clarified that “the future belongs to the dreamers, not to the critics. The future belongs to the people who follow their heart no matter what the critics say.” This is an update to the “dreamer” passage in Jude 8, which previously said: “Likewise also these filthy dreamers defile the flesh”.

(Only tangentially related: my city has finally selected a new police chief; he is a graduate of this same Liberty University.)

We can also assume Christians are happy about Monday’s spectacular revival meeting in West Virginia. During that rally, the headlining preacher assured 40,000 attendees:

“And by the way, under the Trump administration, you’ll be saying Merry Christmas again when you go shopping. Believe me. Merry Christmas. They’ve been downplaying that little beautiful phrase. You’re going to be saying Merry Christmas again, folks.”

If you haven’t been paying attention, the War On Christmas is a subset of the broader persecutions that Christians think they face in the U.S. Being assured that they’ll once again be allowed to utter their arcane and little-recognized holiday phrases must be a breath of fresh air.

In that same stirring pile of non-eloquence, Scrotus reminded his followers: “The polls, that’s also fake news. They’re fake polls.” This is also good news for Christians! It means it was just fake news that Americans are streaming out of churches in record numbers. It was all fake! America is turning to God again!

A very busy Christian, the 45th pope of America also yesterday lifted up a failed nobody — once the dastardly evil villain in the little-known movie “Kansas” — and named him Ambassador Of Religious Freedom. The new ambassador tweeted happily that his new job would mean “The choice of what you do with your own soul”, something that hadn’t been allowed previously. Well, not all Christians will be happy about it, since Ambassador Brownback is a Catholic, but I know they’re encouraged that the nation of Religious Freedom now has an ambassador. (Note that the neighboring country of Press Freedom still doesn’t have an official U.S. ambassador.)

All those poor Christians persecuted under previous administrations can rest easy. Baby Don-Don is an “unwavering ally” of the obscure cause of Christianity, and in fact has been hard at work spreading the gospel for his friends — and not just re-legalizing the phrase “Merry Christmas”. He’s also advanced the Christian cause of repealing environmental protections and cheering on coal-burning, thus fulfilling the prophecy in 2 Peter 3:10: “the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare.” And while he’s not as anti-woman as some evangelicals wish he was, Twitler has at least attempted to make the world a more hostile place for women.

There are others, of course, like yesterday’s long-anticipated string of tweets — the new normal for presidential announcements — announcing that Christians could once again freely serve in the U.S. military. But mainly, I just wanted to say how glad I am that my Christian friends are no longer suffering. Perhaps some day, they’ll even get the theocracy they’ve wanted for so long.

  1. Anderson Connors says:

    Wow! This had me in stitches. Your creativity in never actually saying “Trump” (except in the quotation where he referred to himself) is startlingly good. “45th pope of America” – HA!

    But sadly you’re wrong. My Christian co-workers still think they’re a persecuted minority. “We’ve got to win back our country for Jesus”, one of them keeps saying.

  2. Dana says:

    LOL. I loved all the aliases you came up with. I think Tangerine Toddler is my favorite. Nice alliteration.

    • Wil C. Fry says:

      Thanks, Dana.

      I think a couple of these are actually original with me (“Pastor Donny”, for example). Most of course are in regular use by other people. :-)

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