I Want To Be Annoying

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Published on: 2005.07.16

I’m feeling very annoying right now. Not “annoyed,” but annoying. I feel like I want to bother people. Drive 30 mph on the Interstate. Talk on my cell phone in a movie theater. Step on people’s heels. Slam my apartment door in the middle of the night. Wait until a line has gathered behind me and then start asking stupid questions of the cashier. Smoke in a public place. Hand out alcohol to minors. Light bad-smelling scented candles in someone else’s office. Fart in the restroom and turn off the ventilator. Talk with food in my mouth. Misspell someone’s name in the paper. Play country music at Burning Man. Hold up my lighter in the opera house. Cough loudly during your kid’s violin recital. Laugh before the punchline. Pick scabs in public. Sing off-tune during your favorite song. Call in a false police report on an elderly neighbor.  Peel out in a rich neighborhood and leave black tire marks on their pristine white driveways. Pretend I’m looking at imaginary flying bugs while you’re talking to me about something serious.

Don’t worry. I only feel this way about twice a year, and I’m usually able to control it. Usually.

I think it’s because I’m so damn polite all the time, and all of these things build up inside me. Hell, I was even polite to the guy who punched me in the face last month. Fact is, I like being tactful and courteous. I get a kick out of the way people are surprised by it. But most of the time, no one seems to notice.

And so many people have forgotten what it’s like to let the other guy go through the door first. It’s little things, like using a turn signal or saying “thank you.” Double-parking. Backing out of a parking space without looking, so the guy behind you has to wait. I’m always the guy that has to wait. Taking a message for someone and forgetting to tell them. Picking up something in someone else’s house and putting it down in a different place. Did it ever occur to them that I put it right where it was for a reason?

It has a lot to do with the way a person was raised, I guess. Even mentioning this makes me feel old, but I was raised that you don’t touch things in someone else’s house without their permission. That you should look out for the other guy, because he might be having a bad day and forget to look both ways. That people should say “thank you” and “you’re welcome” and so on.

I had a guy call the newspaper the other day, and as soon as the phone was picked up, he said, “What is this bullshit?” I understand that he was certainly upset by SOMETHING, but surely he would have gotten better results by saying, “I noticed a possible problem with one of your stories, and maybe you can help me with it.”

Okay, I’m done griping now. I was just wondering.

I watched “Wedding Crashers” tonight. Very hilarious. Excellent soundtrack. A little nudity (always a requirement for a classy film.) The only negative part (and I LIKE Will Ferrell) was that Will Ferrell was in the movie. He just didn’t fit. The rest of the movie was almost believable, but Ferrell’s part in it was slightly too silly. He did make a good case for picking up women at funerals, though, which is something I haven’t tried yet. Wish me luck.

This entry was originally posted on another blogging site. The following comments were posted below this entry, but were not imported when I moved the blog to my own site:

1. shilohkid, 7/16/2005, 1:22 a.m.: “Try not to let the small things get to you. You are a better person for it in the end. BTW, I sent you an email, yes a real email that I want you to respond to ASAP, please. It sounds like I need to come and visit you and take your mind off of all the crap. I keep your mind working overtime when I visit. It’s all you can do to listen to all the words I have to say.”

2. angelofmercy81, 7/16/2005, 3:35 a.m.: “I know the feel of it. It’s never an easy thing to let stuff roll off of you, but it is what makes you a great person. The fact that you were even able to stay polite with someone who socked you in the face is amazing to me. I’d have had to hit the guy back, personally, and I rarely break from polite form.”

3. twowithspirit, 7/16/2005, 9:41 a.m.: “ooooooooh – i so have days like this. not as many since i have a daughter to aggravate- she’s 2 1/2 now, heehee- easy to annoy. i’m evil aren’t i?”

4. scrumptralescent1, 7/16/2005, 3:49 p.m.: “You mean it’s rude to pick scabs in public? SHOOT! I’ll have to remember that in the future (j/k). I know how it is. I’m nice to everyone and I get dumped on all the time. I always stop and let other drivers pull in front of me, but I get cut off constantly. I wonder if “what goes around comes around” is really true or somebody just made that up to make people like us feel better. When I was a kid and wanted to be annoying, I bugged my little brother. Now I got my kids to bother, so that gets it out of my system. Maybe you should adopt a child. haha or if you don’t want one (wouldn’t blame you) then get a dog. Dogs aren’t as fun to annoy though. They just think you’re playing with them and they don’t hate it. That’s why I don’t have a dog. Not really, but I just don’t want one. Cassie”

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